You are fortunate if your mind is lucid when neither pained enough. Intense pain having radiated in mind caused my hallucinations...like a radio hearing into some other world.
Generally I try to live a stable Mr. Roger s sort of existence (or keeping to some routine here). Even if sleep schedules are more erratic at times. Meaning keeping a routine, making sure to eat...I've smoked on and off, but the intensity and brightness of pain associated to this sort of leads me away from smoking (I don't know how many times in recent years that I could describe the differences in intensity by so acutely), or at least it seems there is something associative here alongside some other things. While at times it can be difficult, also I've found avoiding dwelling on one's state of existence helps.
Having mood swings? Lower back pain? Energy levels all over the place? Dizzy mind? Suffering from Hyperacusis? ein, zwei, drei...suffering from Neuropathy issues?!
I get weird body sensations...like being really hot inside at times...or feeling like someone were persistently crying inside of me...this comes and goes. My third eye gets lit up like a christmas tree sometimes....pretty painful...and then my sternum gets poked sometimes any number of times (not exactly literal here but...)
On the right and left shoulder...and so forth...its enough generally in the modern sense to say, "Hey, you sound sort of crazy..." While in the past...the rain and wind were blowing furiously around...if you were paranoid enough to look for signs in so much as how a cheese burger were being delivered, mental anguish hadn't helped, had it?! The thing is that I weren't on really anything that should bring this about...so in theory it were supposed to be indigenous suffering, malady...you know, light shoulder jab to the side...you may have self induced this condition, or at least biochemical imbalances...poor lifestyle...hmm...not exactly...
you set this aside and tell yourself, "Ah, yes...I am looking for this baseline...or balance in life...that is the REAL YOU!" The stable you while excitement comes from the roiling cauldron on Fry day night...I always like Frei day better, or Freya's day at least...if following more so to historical derivatives...I can't bring myself locally to listen to Friday night fish fry either...at least so many times, I think of the cooling sea, and the lava rocks steaming but cooling there.
Anything else?! And the future?! You might have thought to live like you were when you were younger, having that freedom to do and say a whole lot more, but it seems different in a way...neither having the same confidences in life or things that brings the sort of respect that you might have imagined...here, respecting space at least should seem silent as one could imagine if intent with a clear enough mind to here the silence there, and someone at the helm were turning the volume knob down for you.
4/28
In recent times, I've generally been conditioned well enough to varying levels of pain intensities...its seems Pavlovian enough, but true, if you're used to the sameness of your condition, you might fear less any change otherwise.
But stable today...less pain. Coldness in the right ear.
Saying this because for any number of years, I've given up on a lot of ideas of what I would be...this comes with age anyways, anyone who says, 'Curse to anyone who says limitations...'
And the reality were that you may be at times taking afternoon naps, sleeping to mid day, not functioning so well, except waking up and bizarrely doing some crazy life routine that had little to do with last night s burn session. Isn't it good to get outside?!
Today was good, I didn't feel the sense of contrived in keeping the head up, at least hadn't felt that in awhile. Contrived as in waking and doing something for the sake of doing something, as in doing something for some awful notion of freedom. Its been this way fortunately for some time. I like it even if I burn. My pain literally is more like a sunburn on the exterior at times, and subtle intense on the interior at times, but nothing like years before when reeling on a floor for what should be as intense as cluster headaches (albeit without light sensitivities).
There is something provided by the simplicity of much of this, and this is present time...
more difficult to think of future time, and easier to live in the moment. Fortunately if PTSD applied I weren't so fearful of the future either in letting present time pass in thought dwelling to the potentiality of some fear ridden future.
4/30
Pain intensities steeply declined...been off nicotine for several days...cut out my caffeine consumption likewise. My energy levels are a lot better, and my mind is clearer.
5/4
So I debate and wonder whether this exposition ended at 4/30. No not necessarily, but I am not sure what more to say here on this topic at the moment either. My mind feels different then the state that it were in a day or so ago, relative to the previous days before it, but mostly I could use the characteristic word composed in thought. Experiencing a bit of cabin fever likewise which I like, or at least feel like when I were younger. For the future, I have a garden, more haphazardly drawn out, but there...
or for the future, I think of the present much of the time...since future dwelling...I used that ugly word punctuality the other day :) ... if invoked so much to the exclusion of present time seems amiss to the practical existence, or existing. Recalling this sort of culture shock, yes, and when the safari ends, who relates that well, maybe a few acquaintances?!
Today I find my way to a bar and grab a beer, or at least sneaking one in, telling myself with the sort of concerned discipline I'd have merely one, this is not merely just a beer but a quadruple Belgian ale, several times the potency of watery ones nearby, and among other varieties whose stores were aged in Rum barrels, or bourbon ones.
For the mother's main belated birthday dinner, went to a Brazilian buffet, although I hadn't had the chance of enjoying meat since I were vegetarian, but nonetheless, mixing in cold mussels with a mix of Mediterranean fares and pasta with a mojito, followed up by Coconut Flan...feeling happy.
5/5
I tend to think along associations which have its downsides and limitations...being much apriori. I like to do things more spur of the moment if I can, or at least changing thoughts on a destination in midstream without so much rhyme or reason..but I've changed a bit over the years. Context to an article, cryptics at least.
Wondering about the changes in seasons?! The coughing crew seems a bit stalled out, maybe its politics?!
5/6
Admittedly not the best at physical exercising...or could be better. I like walking at present more then running. Took a hike today, snapped some photos, getting outdoors, rejuvenating...neither too excessive as I've read suggested here, or too little, finding some balance hopefully. I've mentioned alcohol consumption here on occasion. Generally very rare for me to consume more then 4 drinks in a night, and mostly I like to keep at one drink, generally maximum on the weekends. I don't use drugs really of any sort and resort to pain killers fever reducers for the sake of temporary illnesses. The chronic stuff I've generally just tried to ride the course and deal with it...generally in the past I've gone as long as couple years completely dry in so far as drinking. In terms of drug use, Nicotine and caffeine are probably the bigger offenders, probably the past couple of years the more frequent of usage (ranging at a maximum of a pack a day) for no more then 1 week in duration before a much longer duration of cessation. Cessation periods (during my most frequent usage bouts) typically might last several weeks to months on end. My longest period of cessation ranging at several years in length. I've found that its easier to quit the sooner that you've started a habit, relative to the longer in having established patterns in habits, both in terms of physical habituation and in terms of substance addiction. The patch or gum helps some, while e cigarettes maybe another alternative. The biggest challenge to habits for me have been kicking physical habituated rituals associated herein: smokes during breaks, during bouts of conversations and/or associated stimuli, and especially during meals. The patch or gum can help on these sorts of issues, and then I've found dealing with substance issues later has helped me. I've also gone cold turkey any number of times...first few times are tough to deal with especially if you're habit is well established over the course of any time (years as opposed to days or weeks), but conditioning to this sort of response makes for easier survival on any future round. Downtime on cold turkey cessation ranges at around 72 hours, for me ranging from loss of energy, cloudiness in thinking, grouchiness, and so forth.
While having a growing sweet tooth especially cutting out things like alcohols if you've tended to consume these beverages more regularly (and especially when cutting out nicotine and caffeine), I've generally try to keep purchases and/or sweets laying around on a non regular basis...I do purchase, I just don't purchase perhaps in highly regular ways...instead if going for sweets...I tend to eat these in raw fruits , fruit juices (V8 Fusion...not the other one...), also tend to go for V8 Juices itself, sweetened cereal grain products, yoghurt, and the like. This isn't to say I don't eat cookies or sweets, I just don't eat these regularly... I've found that food could at times predominate as a stimulus to compensate for loss in other stimulations...helps keeping a balance in the activities of one's daily life to account for life style changes I imagine here. Honestly while I might eat my share of frozen foods...I don't consume fast foods much at all...last time I ate McDonalds were months ago. Generally if I eat buffet foods, it would be Indian, and some Asian types...if I go to American style buffets (I load up on salad stuff), avoid the desert bar, and go for fruits and cottage cheese. Also love eating nuts...especially compensating for loss in meat proteins. On the upside to sweets consumption...if you are feeling depressed the quicker burning carbs may prove beneficial as an anti depressant, so I am not a big fan of no sweets what so ever...
Honestly though I've been fortunate to also live in a generally low stress environment...neither suffering from work related stress, or sleep loss related stress. During times of pain, I actually increase my uptake of sleep to around 10 to 12 hours (although I don't track this methodically so don't quote), and when I am in less pain, I generally sleep less possibly. If I have good sleep cycles, natural pain killers I believe are generally emitted which tend to deaden a lot of pain.
People run with the Crispy little puns...curious to know why people could be this sick :) ?!
5/11
Sort of agree with some opinions regarding mental state and a self ownership to that state or sometimes lack thereof. At times you may have the proclivity to read into so much grandiosity of your condition and experience...most rarely encounter this subject matter in their lives, or the condition of being subject of all powerful and overwhelming force...save being caught in a tsunami, earthquake, volcano, tornado, hurricane. This condition of experience could be extended to the personal sense, what about the survivors of severe accidents, you know the lone survivor of horrific plane crashes, or even auto accidents? From this point, being a survivor and stepping out into the world, maybe so inclined to see a point of reason in survival. For some the experience of tragedy, might have extended to a set of internal fabrications, only in roundabout ways the truth seems to leak out over the course of time. Honestly though excluding much psycho babble, I have to say I feel I have sadly witnessed this drama in a way. Yes sometimes good people suffer, and yes sometimes bad people are rewarded seemingly...although I am a believer in eternal justice, so I think its a bit elusive to say that bad people are rewarded.
By the way when you aren't there so well, you aren't there, its tougher functioning, its tougher being the sort of individual that wakes up and goes into the world doing what others do and what others relate to in doing. That is sadly where the I don't understand you so well glances come from or I might have sensed this, or I might have projected this?! Some might have told you in so many words without saying or having it said it less politely, "You're done!" But then you sort of chuckle and say to yourself, hmm expected as much, and this is where something of internal resilience exists in mind...or you hoped to imagine your mind as an iron will in its own right. But then you also remind yourself soberly, to get up and lead a sober functioning, despite the surreal aftermath that might have brought about some mental fatigue. Had you had a nervous breakdown when things were really going tough, or did you have one when things were actually going so much easier? Were the cortisols in your bloodstream at lower levels, and did you feel now that you might have caught up that long needed catching up?! Honestly I think I have much to be thankful for though in terms of ease here, despite... generally speaking I have been kept awake in pain for a day or so straight. Sometimes life is difficult... live a good life, a peaceful life, and hopefully you'll be blessed rightly for it. Hope to have brighter days ahead anyway.
Seems like much of the world is known at a distance.
I used to think for awhile that introspection were quite dangerous...why?!
Filling the space with long monologues is un necessary if seemingly it ends where it should have ended a long time ago.
This were in stating a condition a state of being, and then having much desire, another part which were desire sets about emotive filtering, crying silently or less silently where does this go?! You might have spent much time discussing this when you were lucid enough to have existential self awareness?! I wanted to say your self is somewhere defined in part by self awareness, by a collection of experiences, of self consistent patterns of being, of genetics...of assigned weightings that would produce likelihoods of patterns of being this or that. You couldn't be drawn away from your mental illness as in neither being you, because you clearly had a memory of experience drawn from it...but hadn't it seemed like a foreign something were in you?! And how do I define you, as you or anything that weren't exactly you...you were taught to believe that much were indigenous originating in you, but you may find in some future, that thoughts could be implanted in you or even that your thoughts could be read, and if you were given memories that weren't you, or thoughts that weren't originally your own, this couldn't be assigned to you as indigenously occurring....that obviously weren't you at least.
I wonder though that the real you, is more as in structures of metaphysical and philosophical thinkings, more like, you were a state of being, guided in many ways, by something that were greater then you, you wouldn't feel warm inside or function as well, might be as limp as a rag doll, its just the perception of you as independent were born of what you had known only and could scarcely fathom without because it were there all along. Inside you were lurking the subtle and the less then subtle. The subtle in me trembles a bit for some odd reason fearing...love is a good thing, and we all need this I imagine, and then sometimes I wonder what free will is here?! I am not sure here...I guess I wonder as to the degree of mutability that exists in the degree of "I" that I am. If you were a shared consciousness, you wouldn't think of "I" so much in the distinction of a body that "I" occupy. There must be something primary enough in our awareness though?! At least how should we without cognisance do something simple as: fixing food to eat, have the instinct towards self preservation. It seems much higher level functioning, or social functioning would certainly come later in our evolution, alongside speech, alongside written language. Without a formed coherent memory and identity, being able to operate in the context of communicating with the world would be chaotic and difficult, without coherent memories and identity, we cease to function at a basic level and require the care of others that are functioning. In varying degrees it would seem the integrated whole of "I" is one that should seem subtle enough...have you ever sensed a personality shifting in another person?! I imagine our minds are gifted enough to sense without a word being spoken, the degree of the formed sense of others. We communicate through our faces, our demeanour, gestures, before we have spoken words, and when we have spoken, even the way that we speak provides a distinction of the our existence, and amazingly it seems that we are able to read all of this in fairly short order. Mostly though it is our sense of another well enough that provides some sense of expectation of how they might act. If we know them well enough, we may sense their worry and angst, long before they have uttered a word. Then stating coherence in memories applies in many ways here, both in terms of long term and short term sense. From the perspective of loss though, I imagine it would be hard to know what we have lost when we have lost it...loss of memory may not be step like in nature, neither fully transparent as in having awoken as an amnesia patient, or as I've read in some documented instances, somnambulists that should nearly have lived for a time another life and identity, is this possible?! Mostly memory loss seems to me like integrated and continuous where the subtle passages of loss are known in our daily collective communications...someone reminds you of something that you had long forgotten, for instance...and you realize how subtle the passing of this memory were, or at least having gone to some deeper recess. Anyway, how could you know what you lost, only if you hadn't known you ever lost something?!
Now I wonder if I am too dry and verbose much of the time.... I had the "Rites of Spring" in mind some time ago, but then I realize I am not so good, or at least fear being to emotional. Maybe its something mid western in me. My family at times could be yellers or at least heated and passionate, while I was never much this way personally. I don't like wearing the heart on the sleeve. I think I like the Pacific better then the Atlantic ocean, but its perspective, cyclones rarely hit our west coast on that side, or at least this should be extremely rare. I prefer Abstraction relative to Romanticism in composition I think. I am the opposite of Rousseau. I am static much of the time, and traumatized by the dramas in my past. I venture quietly often in small steps, and at times now I think this isn't exactly true, or maybe my memory were selective enough here?!
5/13
I resumed a bit of nicotine consumption yesterday. Sort of testing to see if something might be the same. Seems like pain levels were slightly heightened again. Chewing nicotine gum again. Again will quit nicotine to see if there is less pain. I'd mention of the distinction in pain, literally as in some cases of travelling outside a city and into another, or at least it should seem this way,
But nothing like what should feel were mental assaults years ago... ?! Sometimes I wonder if there is this primitive medieval thinking that arises like, the soil that you walk on is tainted, or certain persons are tainted, or your food is tainted?! :)
5/15
Better today regarding the pain as of recent.
Some crazy stuff that's happened to me in the past.
I felt like an entity were in me... the entity made the sun feel like it was close to my face one day when I were sitting outside.
There seemed to be an association between this entity and nearby chickens clucking wildly in a nearby neighbor's yard in a certain place where I once lived.
I once got teased by this entity to "cry the right tears".
While it were raining outside, this entity made it feel like the rain were occurring also inside the car with the windows rolled up.
I have had some experiences where my perceptions of sound changed...acoustic hypersensitivity.
I know in a way that I would sound totally off my rocker, but I'll speak...like there were at times connections between a entity (or entities) and the weather...as in being surrounded by wall clouds at times or dealing with heavy torrential rains...not sure if this were me imagining as in association of mental ordeal and any connection, or literally some being that were hot under the collar.
Some of these entities act very animal like in nature, and some are more human like...they seem to communicate as in a telepathic nature and can manifest in a such a way to move or stir things physically around, or at least for instance walking in circles around a heating vent in an attic...at least seemingly suggesting that, perhaps, such entity is a venting heater(?) and simultaneously suggesting a thought in mind regarding a certain subject matter that I would clarify also in mind weren't exactly right as suggested.
Some of these entities seemed like a very mean bugs to me, and some at least in dealing with me are much nicer. :)
Otherwise, I'd be considered mentally ill which sort of seems right...things have been better in the past few days or so, so I am happier.
I use the word entity in describing something which seems quite foreign to the self that I would describe as I that were differed from the conscious thoughts and actions of the other(s).
I end up describing on note describing things which seem to go individually well beyond my control here or at least at times must seem overwhelming, and then strangely and absurdly enough, my life is otherwise boringly tame :)... I mean a Saturday night could consist of a bit of mental craziness at times while sitting and watching another episode of How its Made.
As of recent had been inclined to stay in on much of the time, not really venturing out much or having so much desire to get out, but honestly I couldn't characterize social isolation as a good either. Feel like damaged goods as of late...I mean living at home with the folks still, turning 40 this year...for all practical purposes look like a crazy loser, but I avoid much comparisons on this point. You have the blessing of being alive at least.
5/16
The consequence of writing here... one feels more inclined to say that this forms some sort of expressed liability in writing, that is, for the purpose and excuse of much to be made extending well beyond the scope of what experience is like. To this extent, it is also serving to social propaganda unfortunately in some form?! If social politics were somehow a connection point here...maybe the pain were political more so in some fashion?! The greatest pain I literally endured were under the Bush administration, not the Obama administration...of course, you say to yourself rightly in a sane and sensible democracy, no one should suffer any more or less because of political affiliations (caveat, unless you were living El Savador or some central American country that were generally backed by then Neo con republicans engaged in proxy ideological wars worldwide, or at least in this particular region of the central Americas...in so many right wing nazis, the world were more polarized left and right in these days supposedly, and maybe we find out some twenty years in the future, the nastiness of our present times?!). No sensibly, politics shouldn't matter so much, and then any event, I would have considered myself neither in any clear holding of preference what so ever. Technically if made an agenda or purposed example here, extending beyond what people consider acceptable in a democracy, everything you say and do as a targeted enemy of peoples is in its own right a warrant of suspicion? Generally speaking though your refrain and caution is by way of considering the mentally ill in this case, or what serves as mental illness and the rights afforded here. Then reminded so many years ago, when having voted that in the state of Kansas a supposedly old antiquated state constitutional law were balloted for legislative removal...in this case, the mentally ill deemed fit enough to make for sensible vote. Minding that you were dealing with the crowd that strategically solicits their Cable Dahmer car dealership ads, or places calls like Jeff Overman to the house? Then I remember hearing this strange voice while suffering so many years ago, as though shuffled in the fray of the circus: 'Is he a political?' Yes, and were it like some spiritual bureaucracy here, or at least you felt your name consigned to some hell of anonymity. You were then waiting to hear something of the "idiocracy' code level ed here, the man with the flame thrower is just a temporary bypass, and anyway, you'd hear some rash claiming this were part of the self serving act and topically speaking straying on a ramble in the course of the conversation merely illustrated thoughts. To be legitimately heard were not merely expressing truth in a litany of delusions and digressions in any event? So many years ago, instead choosing neither to involve oneself in the course of writing what so few were read except maybe for the purposes of data mining of the some fifty thousand plus hits, I am reminded I am my only subscriber, and that is telling isn't it?
5/16
Curious to know about a supreme court justice's broadcast advertisement for a children's book...she seemed a little emotional in her presentation there.
Spin this as sexual repression or something else?
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101597/
There's another horror film that seems to suggest between the lines of ambiguity something here...or at least a woman disappears in the closet to awaken on a hellish other side with no escape at the films conclusion. Metaphors abound on this one.
5/25
Not sure how to interpret this one. Not sure if its coincidence, or if I had written this before, if you wanted weirdness in dreams, a dose of nicotine before bed, or sometimes eating and then going right to bed after words seems to evoke these sorts of weird dream events.
The Dream:
I am in this mall that I hadn't recognized before. Someone gets mad at me for some reason or other and starts throwing saw blades at me. One bounces of me while I dodge the others, not really injured, but figured that I should probably call the police. After the weird phone call, a handful of paces away from the dude throwing circular saw blades at me. The FBI shows up with DNA sampling material. They ask me to submit a sample...here I hold this light solution of brine, not sure why I am to give the sample here. Strangely enough though for the samples, a group of everyone gathered in the mall are giving samples now and spitting into these large spittoon containers from which weird jellyfish like translucent structures emerge. Then a woman that I hadn't recognized guides me to the refill station for samples administration which happens to be a toilet. At this point, I know something is seriously wrong so I go to leave the mall. Here a large crowd has filled near the point of entrance. For some reason I had the impression they were practicing for the Olympics. Despite this impending fear that I am being also impeded in leaving, I manage to find my way outside the malls entrance. Here I head to the parking garage. I had it in mind my parent's were waiting in a nearby adjacent parking garage. At some point, I am not sure if owing to lapse in memory or given that this were a dream, and causality get thrown out the door, I end up in a bar or bookstore, not sure which. I am surrounded by a crowd of people muttering something to me...I see the name Lavoisier or the name crosses my mind...I don't know what this means though?! Then suddenly this strange muppets like creature covered head to toe in a black sweater clinging to me. I don't know where in the dialogue or mention comes up, but something about reality comes up, and I mention the sky. The strange creature, says, "I control the sky". At this point the sky turns dark, and then suddenly this circus like carousel appears. I am hearing this game show styled production of a song which mentions St. Peter. I wake up. Sort of gazing around though to make sure that I am not having one of those 'lucid dreams'. :)
Dream analysis (of my own interpretation):
A lot of these trip acid dreams (never used the stuff in my life, don't plan on it either)...seem closer in proximity to recent entertainment stuff. For instance I watched 'Time Bandits' yesterday...the game show theme seems like a variation of 'Its your money, or your life!', and, of course, religious metaphors abounding in the movie seem to provide something of sub conscious influence here. I had in mind a creature from Dr. Seuss, or the Lorax which I only have the most vague familiarity at least for the dark creature...then it crossed my mind, the phoneme of Seuss with Zeus, how strange these things are. Hence the 'I control the sky' coupled with nearby impressions of weather events, some how placing something more dark in mind. Strange to see this coupled with my mind, in the sense of significance, or at least if the impressions were more lasting. Then Ogre, in the myth of legends comes up, coincidentally watched the film North Face, set in WWII during Nazi Germany around climbers making a failed attempt at the north face of Eigerwand. Here, the mountain is seen more ominously as the devouring ogre...nothing in my dream seems to substantiate anything of these running thoughts or at least a connectivity to dreams. Nothing of this, however, suggests other then in placement some personal connectivity in sequence to events here, other then by way of environmental influences?! However, prior to something of the dreams revelations (or the last of recollections in memory of this dream), other aspects seem more puzzling me. The thrown circular saw blades, for instance...I think sometimes in terms of homonyms aspects of word variations. For saw (as in blade) could be also interpreted saw (as in the past tense of seen). Here I could offer my sense of the dream as in the procession of the exterior mind coupled with the more subtle less understood, and more deeply less controlled sub conscious mind. The exterior mind seems more like in the operable sense the mind of logic centers, the mind reacting under duress, for instance, working more so in the parameters of reality. Of course, it would seem more logical that I were acting as I would have thought in a woken reality, for instance, calling the police. Owing to whatever continuities, the exterior were reacting to the set of dream discordance naturally as in the procession that something were amiss in reality to any number of events, clearly seeking as in the sense of evasion, but faced with something more impending. Here more ominously I think of death here, or at least my own mortality. Journey through a Burning Brain from Tangerine Dream, or Salvador Dali and the melting clock, and so forth in some sort of loose connection. I wake up, and my brain feels like it is burning.
It is neither the typical dream that I should have or even in the interior sense common to the impressions that I would have expected...why so?! It is hard to see popular art, or art in general so much in effect to the subconscious impressions that would normally would have existed in mind, or in having revisited at least.
---
How do we do things exactly right though? Do we provide selective presentations of ourselves, the presentation that we wish others to see, versus unadulterated presentations?
The dream seemed in a way a surface set of impressions.
Normally I wouldn't have mentioned all of this.
I am not sure what to be embarrassed about in providing a journal, or at least I see no shame in it.
Do we hide behind of our fear of showing ignorance? Of disdain for any attempt at intelligence even if it failed on many points. We write of ourselves in preoccupation to preserve career, or inventing something of ourselves? Could I be susceptible in the same ways in writing?
In general the truth of dreams for me were that I don't recall them so often. At least this one seemed particularly funny and frightening at the same time.
My dreams are particularly embarrassing at times because at least I couldn't control one as in the waking state desire that I might have in constructing one. But isn't this the truth for most?!
Honestly though the sexual dreams are the toughest for me to discuss openly for this reason, not that readers want to read these sorts of things, or that one should feel ashamed of being judged for it. In this case, I displace the origins to the foreign, even though something to the contrary might exist.
In fairness to the reader that knows, omissions existed because of embarrassment, and then I realize now maybe it were lack of descriptive capabilities coupled with now frosted glass having collected over the window of now opaque memories in recollection. I don't know how quickly I forget things.
:)
6/1/13
Hmm another 'Come fire walk with me' session.
6/2/13
Parent's having trouble with direct deposit payments suddenly (with pension account), no problems for years. I was thinking out the previous years power outages...calm day weather wise yesterday, but electricity was spiking around...then it seems in a way any number of things are different, you know cars breakdown suddenly more often. To some extent one should wonder why in all of this?
You think karma is bad, but then there is also human nature...and then there's supposedly a democracy. By the way, I am not your weather god... :) Rofl, knocking one's electricity accomplishes what? As does anything else?! :)
Generally I try to live a stable Mr. Roger s sort of existence (or keeping to some routine here). Even if sleep schedules are more erratic at times. Meaning keeping a routine, making sure to eat...I've smoked on and off, but the intensity and brightness of pain associated to this sort of leads me away from smoking (I don't know how many times in recent years that I could describe the differences in intensity by so acutely), or at least it seems there is something associative here alongside some other things. While at times it can be difficult, also I've found avoiding dwelling on one's state of existence helps.
Having mood swings? Lower back pain? Energy levels all over the place? Dizzy mind? Suffering from Hyperacusis? ein, zwei, drei...suffering from Neuropathy issues?!
I get weird body sensations...like being really hot inside at times...or feeling like someone were persistently crying inside of me...this comes and goes. My third eye gets lit up like a christmas tree sometimes....pretty painful...and then my sternum gets poked sometimes any number of times (not exactly literal here but...)
On the right and left shoulder...and so forth...its enough generally in the modern sense to say, "Hey, you sound sort of crazy..." While in the past...the rain and wind were blowing furiously around...if you were paranoid enough to look for signs in so much as how a cheese burger were being delivered, mental anguish hadn't helped, had it?! The thing is that I weren't on really anything that should bring this about...so in theory it were supposed to be indigenous suffering, malady...you know, light shoulder jab to the side...you may have self induced this condition, or at least biochemical imbalances...poor lifestyle...hmm...not exactly...
you set this aside and tell yourself, "Ah, yes...I am looking for this baseline...or balance in life...that is the REAL YOU!" The stable you while excitement comes from the roiling cauldron on Fry day night...I always like Frei day better, or Freya's day at least...if following more so to historical derivatives...I can't bring myself locally to listen to Friday night fish fry either...at least so many times, I think of the cooling sea, and the lava rocks steaming but cooling there.
Anything else?! And the future?! You might have thought to live like you were when you were younger, having that freedom to do and say a whole lot more, but it seems different in a way...neither having the same confidences in life or things that brings the sort of respect that you might have imagined...here, respecting space at least should seem silent as one could imagine if intent with a clear enough mind to here the silence there, and someone at the helm were turning the volume knob down for you.
4/28
In recent times, I've generally been conditioned well enough to varying levels of pain intensities...its seems Pavlovian enough, but true, if you're used to the sameness of your condition, you might fear less any change otherwise.
But stable today...less pain. Coldness in the right ear.
Saying this because for any number of years, I've given up on a lot of ideas of what I would be...this comes with age anyways, anyone who says, 'Curse to anyone who says limitations...'
And the reality were that you may be at times taking afternoon naps, sleeping to mid day, not functioning so well, except waking up and bizarrely doing some crazy life routine that had little to do with last night s burn session. Isn't it good to get outside?!
Today was good, I didn't feel the sense of contrived in keeping the head up, at least hadn't felt that in awhile. Contrived as in waking and doing something for the sake of doing something, as in doing something for some awful notion of freedom. Its been this way fortunately for some time. I like it even if I burn. My pain literally is more like a sunburn on the exterior at times, and subtle intense on the interior at times, but nothing like years before when reeling on a floor for what should be as intense as cluster headaches (albeit without light sensitivities).
There is something provided by the simplicity of much of this, and this is present time...
more difficult to think of future time, and easier to live in the moment. Fortunately if PTSD applied I weren't so fearful of the future either in letting present time pass in thought dwelling to the potentiality of some fear ridden future.
4/30
Pain intensities steeply declined...been off nicotine for several days...cut out my caffeine consumption likewise. My energy levels are a lot better, and my mind is clearer.
5/4
So I debate and wonder whether this exposition ended at 4/30. No not necessarily, but I am not sure what more to say here on this topic at the moment either. My mind feels different then the state that it were in a day or so ago, relative to the previous days before it, but mostly I could use the characteristic word composed in thought. Experiencing a bit of cabin fever likewise which I like, or at least feel like when I were younger. For the future, I have a garden, more haphazardly drawn out, but there...
or for the future, I think of the present much of the time...since future dwelling...I used that ugly word punctuality the other day :) ... if invoked so much to the exclusion of present time seems amiss to the practical existence, or existing. Recalling this sort of culture shock, yes, and when the safari ends, who relates that well, maybe a few acquaintances?!
Today I find my way to a bar and grab a beer, or at least sneaking one in, telling myself with the sort of concerned discipline I'd have merely one, this is not merely just a beer but a quadruple Belgian ale, several times the potency of watery ones nearby, and among other varieties whose stores were aged in Rum barrels, or bourbon ones.
For the mother's main belated birthday dinner, went to a Brazilian buffet, although I hadn't had the chance of enjoying meat since I were vegetarian, but nonetheless, mixing in cold mussels with a mix of Mediterranean fares and pasta with a mojito, followed up by Coconut Flan...feeling happy.
5/5
I tend to think along associations which have its downsides and limitations...being much apriori. I like to do things more spur of the moment if I can, or at least changing thoughts on a destination in midstream without so much rhyme or reason..but I've changed a bit over the years. Context to an article, cryptics at least.
Wondering about the changes in seasons?! The coughing crew seems a bit stalled out, maybe its politics?!
5/6
Admittedly not the best at physical exercising...or could be better. I like walking at present more then running. Took a hike today, snapped some photos, getting outdoors, rejuvenating...neither too excessive as I've read suggested here, or too little, finding some balance hopefully. I've mentioned alcohol consumption here on occasion. Generally very rare for me to consume more then 4 drinks in a night, and mostly I like to keep at one drink, generally maximum on the weekends. I don't use drugs really of any sort and resort to pain killers fever reducers for the sake of temporary illnesses. The chronic stuff I've generally just tried to ride the course and deal with it...generally in the past I've gone as long as couple years completely dry in so far as drinking. In terms of drug use, Nicotine and caffeine are probably the bigger offenders, probably the past couple of years the more frequent of usage (ranging at a maximum of a pack a day) for no more then 1 week in duration before a much longer duration of cessation. Cessation periods (during my most frequent usage bouts) typically might last several weeks to months on end. My longest period of cessation ranging at several years in length. I've found that its easier to quit the sooner that you've started a habit, relative to the longer in having established patterns in habits, both in terms of physical habituation and in terms of substance addiction. The patch or gum helps some, while e cigarettes maybe another alternative. The biggest challenge to habits for me have been kicking physical habituated rituals associated herein: smokes during breaks, during bouts of conversations and/or associated stimuli, and especially during meals. The patch or gum can help on these sorts of issues, and then I've found dealing with substance issues later has helped me. I've also gone cold turkey any number of times...first few times are tough to deal with especially if you're habit is well established over the course of any time (years as opposed to days or weeks), but conditioning to this sort of response makes for easier survival on any future round. Downtime on cold turkey cessation ranges at around 72 hours, for me ranging from loss of energy, cloudiness in thinking, grouchiness, and so forth.
While having a growing sweet tooth especially cutting out things like alcohols if you've tended to consume these beverages more regularly (and especially when cutting out nicotine and caffeine), I've generally try to keep purchases and/or sweets laying around on a non regular basis...I do purchase, I just don't purchase perhaps in highly regular ways...instead if going for sweets...I tend to eat these in raw fruits , fruit juices (V8 Fusion...not the other one...), also tend to go for V8 Juices itself, sweetened cereal grain products, yoghurt, and the like. This isn't to say I don't eat cookies or sweets, I just don't eat these regularly... I've found that food could at times predominate as a stimulus to compensate for loss in other stimulations...helps keeping a balance in the activities of one's daily life to account for life style changes I imagine here. Honestly while I might eat my share of frozen foods...I don't consume fast foods much at all...last time I ate McDonalds were months ago. Generally if I eat buffet foods, it would be Indian, and some Asian types...if I go to American style buffets (I load up on salad stuff), avoid the desert bar, and go for fruits and cottage cheese. Also love eating nuts...especially compensating for loss in meat proteins. On the upside to sweets consumption...if you are feeling depressed the quicker burning carbs may prove beneficial as an anti depressant, so I am not a big fan of no sweets what so ever...
Honestly though I've been fortunate to also live in a generally low stress environment...neither suffering from work related stress, or sleep loss related stress. During times of pain, I actually increase my uptake of sleep to around 10 to 12 hours (although I don't track this methodically so don't quote), and when I am in less pain, I generally sleep less possibly. If I have good sleep cycles, natural pain killers I believe are generally emitted which tend to deaden a lot of pain.
People run with the Crispy little puns...curious to know why people could be this sick :) ?!
5/11
Sort of agree with some opinions regarding mental state and a self ownership to that state or sometimes lack thereof. At times you may have the proclivity to read into so much grandiosity of your condition and experience...most rarely encounter this subject matter in their lives, or the condition of being subject of all powerful and overwhelming force...save being caught in a tsunami, earthquake, volcano, tornado, hurricane. This condition of experience could be extended to the personal sense, what about the survivors of severe accidents, you know the lone survivor of horrific plane crashes, or even auto accidents? From this point, being a survivor and stepping out into the world, maybe so inclined to see a point of reason in survival. For some the experience of tragedy, might have extended to a set of internal fabrications, only in roundabout ways the truth seems to leak out over the course of time. Honestly though excluding much psycho babble, I have to say I feel I have sadly witnessed this drama in a way. Yes sometimes good people suffer, and yes sometimes bad people are rewarded seemingly...although I am a believer in eternal justice, so I think its a bit elusive to say that bad people are rewarded.
By the way when you aren't there so well, you aren't there, its tougher functioning, its tougher being the sort of individual that wakes up and goes into the world doing what others do and what others relate to in doing. That is sadly where the I don't understand you so well glances come from or I might have sensed this, or I might have projected this?! Some might have told you in so many words without saying or having it said it less politely, "You're done!" But then you sort of chuckle and say to yourself, hmm expected as much, and this is where something of internal resilience exists in mind...or you hoped to imagine your mind as an iron will in its own right. But then you also remind yourself soberly, to get up and lead a sober functioning, despite the surreal aftermath that might have brought about some mental fatigue. Had you had a nervous breakdown when things were really going tough, or did you have one when things were actually going so much easier? Were the cortisols in your bloodstream at lower levels, and did you feel now that you might have caught up that long needed catching up?! Honestly I think I have much to be thankful for though in terms of ease here, despite... generally speaking I have been kept awake in pain for a day or so straight. Sometimes life is difficult... live a good life, a peaceful life, and hopefully you'll be blessed rightly for it. Hope to have brighter days ahead anyway.
Seems like much of the world is known at a distance.
I used to think for awhile that introspection were quite dangerous...why?!
Filling the space with long monologues is un necessary if seemingly it ends where it should have ended a long time ago.
This were in stating a condition a state of being, and then having much desire, another part which were desire sets about emotive filtering, crying silently or less silently where does this go?! You might have spent much time discussing this when you were lucid enough to have existential self awareness?! I wanted to say your self is somewhere defined in part by self awareness, by a collection of experiences, of self consistent patterns of being, of genetics...of assigned weightings that would produce likelihoods of patterns of being this or that. You couldn't be drawn away from your mental illness as in neither being you, because you clearly had a memory of experience drawn from it...but hadn't it seemed like a foreign something were in you?! And how do I define you, as you or anything that weren't exactly you...you were taught to believe that much were indigenous originating in you, but you may find in some future, that thoughts could be implanted in you or even that your thoughts could be read, and if you were given memories that weren't you, or thoughts that weren't originally your own, this couldn't be assigned to you as indigenously occurring....that obviously weren't you at least.
I wonder though that the real you, is more as in structures of metaphysical and philosophical thinkings, more like, you were a state of being, guided in many ways, by something that were greater then you, you wouldn't feel warm inside or function as well, might be as limp as a rag doll, its just the perception of you as independent were born of what you had known only and could scarcely fathom without because it were there all along. Inside you were lurking the subtle and the less then subtle. The subtle in me trembles a bit for some odd reason fearing...love is a good thing, and we all need this I imagine, and then sometimes I wonder what free will is here?! I am not sure here...I guess I wonder as to the degree of mutability that exists in the degree of "I" that I am. If you were a shared consciousness, you wouldn't think of "I" so much in the distinction of a body that "I" occupy. There must be something primary enough in our awareness though?! At least how should we without cognisance do something simple as: fixing food to eat, have the instinct towards self preservation. It seems much higher level functioning, or social functioning would certainly come later in our evolution, alongside speech, alongside written language. Without a formed coherent memory and identity, being able to operate in the context of communicating with the world would be chaotic and difficult, without coherent memories and identity, we cease to function at a basic level and require the care of others that are functioning. In varying degrees it would seem the integrated whole of "I" is one that should seem subtle enough...have you ever sensed a personality shifting in another person?! I imagine our minds are gifted enough to sense without a word being spoken, the degree of the formed sense of others. We communicate through our faces, our demeanour, gestures, before we have spoken words, and when we have spoken, even the way that we speak provides a distinction of the our existence, and amazingly it seems that we are able to read all of this in fairly short order. Mostly though it is our sense of another well enough that provides some sense of expectation of how they might act. If we know them well enough, we may sense their worry and angst, long before they have uttered a word. Then stating coherence in memories applies in many ways here, both in terms of long term and short term sense. From the perspective of loss though, I imagine it would be hard to know what we have lost when we have lost it...loss of memory may not be step like in nature, neither fully transparent as in having awoken as an amnesia patient, or as I've read in some documented instances, somnambulists that should nearly have lived for a time another life and identity, is this possible?! Mostly memory loss seems to me like integrated and continuous where the subtle passages of loss are known in our daily collective communications...someone reminds you of something that you had long forgotten, for instance...and you realize how subtle the passing of this memory were, or at least having gone to some deeper recess. Anyway, how could you know what you lost, only if you hadn't known you ever lost something?!
Now I wonder if I am too dry and verbose much of the time.... I had the "Rites of Spring" in mind some time ago, but then I realize I am not so good, or at least fear being to emotional. Maybe its something mid western in me. My family at times could be yellers or at least heated and passionate, while I was never much this way personally. I don't like wearing the heart on the sleeve. I think I like the Pacific better then the Atlantic ocean, but its perspective, cyclones rarely hit our west coast on that side, or at least this should be extremely rare. I prefer Abstraction relative to Romanticism in composition I think. I am the opposite of Rousseau. I am static much of the time, and traumatized by the dramas in my past. I venture quietly often in small steps, and at times now I think this isn't exactly true, or maybe my memory were selective enough here?!
5/13
I resumed a bit of nicotine consumption yesterday. Sort of testing to see if something might be the same. Seems like pain levels were slightly heightened again. Chewing nicotine gum again. Again will quit nicotine to see if there is less pain. I'd mention of the distinction in pain, literally as in some cases of travelling outside a city and into another, or at least it should seem this way,
But nothing like what should feel were mental assaults years ago... ?! Sometimes I wonder if there is this primitive medieval thinking that arises like, the soil that you walk on is tainted, or certain persons are tainted, or your food is tainted?! :)
5/15
Better today regarding the pain as of recent.
Some crazy stuff that's happened to me in the past.
I felt like an entity were in me... the entity made the sun feel like it was close to my face one day when I were sitting outside.
There seemed to be an association between this entity and nearby chickens clucking wildly in a nearby neighbor's yard in a certain place where I once lived.
I once got teased by this entity to "cry the right tears".
While it were raining outside, this entity made it feel like the rain were occurring also inside the car with the windows rolled up.
I have had some experiences where my perceptions of sound changed...acoustic hypersensitivity.
I know in a way that I would sound totally off my rocker, but I'll speak...like there were at times connections between a entity (or entities) and the weather...as in being surrounded by wall clouds at times or dealing with heavy torrential rains...not sure if this were me imagining as in association of mental ordeal and any connection, or literally some being that were hot under the collar.
Some of these entities act very animal like in nature, and some are more human like...they seem to communicate as in a telepathic nature and can manifest in a such a way to move or stir things physically around, or at least for instance walking in circles around a heating vent in an attic...at least seemingly suggesting that, perhaps, such entity is a venting heater(?) and simultaneously suggesting a thought in mind regarding a certain subject matter that I would clarify also in mind weren't exactly right as suggested.
Some of these entities seemed like a very mean bugs to me, and some at least in dealing with me are much nicer. :)
Otherwise, I'd be considered mentally ill which sort of seems right...things have been better in the past few days or so, so I am happier.
I use the word entity in describing something which seems quite foreign to the self that I would describe as I that were differed from the conscious thoughts and actions of the other(s).
I end up describing on note describing things which seem to go individually well beyond my control here or at least at times must seem overwhelming, and then strangely and absurdly enough, my life is otherwise boringly tame :)... I mean a Saturday night could consist of a bit of mental craziness at times while sitting and watching another episode of How its Made.
As of recent had been inclined to stay in on much of the time, not really venturing out much or having so much desire to get out, but honestly I couldn't characterize social isolation as a good either. Feel like damaged goods as of late...I mean living at home with the folks still, turning 40 this year...for all practical purposes look like a crazy loser, but I avoid much comparisons on this point. You have the blessing of being alive at least.
5/16
The consequence of writing here... one feels more inclined to say that this forms some sort of expressed liability in writing, that is, for the purpose and excuse of much to be made extending well beyond the scope of what experience is like. To this extent, it is also serving to social propaganda unfortunately in some form?! If social politics were somehow a connection point here...maybe the pain were political more so in some fashion?! The greatest pain I literally endured were under the Bush administration, not the Obama administration...of course, you say to yourself rightly in a sane and sensible democracy, no one should suffer any more or less because of political affiliations (caveat, unless you were living El Savador or some central American country that were generally backed by then Neo con republicans engaged in proxy ideological wars worldwide, or at least in this particular region of the central Americas...in so many right wing nazis, the world were more polarized left and right in these days supposedly, and maybe we find out some twenty years in the future, the nastiness of our present times?!). No sensibly, politics shouldn't matter so much, and then any event, I would have considered myself neither in any clear holding of preference what so ever. Technically if made an agenda or purposed example here, extending beyond what people consider acceptable in a democracy, everything you say and do as a targeted enemy of peoples is in its own right a warrant of suspicion? Generally speaking though your refrain and caution is by way of considering the mentally ill in this case, or what serves as mental illness and the rights afforded here. Then reminded so many years ago, when having voted that in the state of Kansas a supposedly old antiquated state constitutional law were balloted for legislative removal...in this case, the mentally ill deemed fit enough to make for sensible vote. Minding that you were dealing with the crowd that strategically solicits their Cable Dahmer car dealership ads, or places calls like Jeff Overman to the house? Then I remember hearing this strange voice while suffering so many years ago, as though shuffled in the fray of the circus: 'Is he a political?' Yes, and were it like some spiritual bureaucracy here, or at least you felt your name consigned to some hell of anonymity. You were then waiting to hear something of the "idiocracy' code level ed here, the man with the flame thrower is just a temporary bypass, and anyway, you'd hear some rash claiming this were part of the self serving act and topically speaking straying on a ramble in the course of the conversation merely illustrated thoughts. To be legitimately heard were not merely expressing truth in a litany of delusions and digressions in any event? So many years ago, instead choosing neither to involve oneself in the course of writing what so few were read except maybe for the purposes of data mining of the some fifty thousand plus hits, I am reminded I am my only subscriber, and that is telling isn't it?
5/16
Curious to know about a supreme court justice's broadcast advertisement for a children's book...she seemed a little emotional in her presentation there.
Spin this as sexual repression or something else?
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101597/
There's another horror film that seems to suggest between the lines of ambiguity something here...or at least a woman disappears in the closet to awaken on a hellish other side with no escape at the films conclusion. Metaphors abound on this one.
5/25
Not sure how to interpret this one. Not sure if its coincidence, or if I had written this before, if you wanted weirdness in dreams, a dose of nicotine before bed, or sometimes eating and then going right to bed after words seems to evoke these sorts of weird dream events.
The Dream:
I am in this mall that I hadn't recognized before. Someone gets mad at me for some reason or other and starts throwing saw blades at me. One bounces of me while I dodge the others, not really injured, but figured that I should probably call the police. After the weird phone call, a handful of paces away from the dude throwing circular saw blades at me. The FBI shows up with DNA sampling material. They ask me to submit a sample...here I hold this light solution of brine, not sure why I am to give the sample here. Strangely enough though for the samples, a group of everyone gathered in the mall are giving samples now and spitting into these large spittoon containers from which weird jellyfish like translucent structures emerge. Then a woman that I hadn't recognized guides me to the refill station for samples administration which happens to be a toilet. At this point, I know something is seriously wrong so I go to leave the mall. Here a large crowd has filled near the point of entrance. For some reason I had the impression they were practicing for the Olympics. Despite this impending fear that I am being also impeded in leaving, I manage to find my way outside the malls entrance. Here I head to the parking garage. I had it in mind my parent's were waiting in a nearby adjacent parking garage. At some point, I am not sure if owing to lapse in memory or given that this were a dream, and causality get thrown out the door, I end up in a bar or bookstore, not sure which. I am surrounded by a crowd of people muttering something to me...I see the name Lavoisier or the name crosses my mind...I don't know what this means though?! Then suddenly this strange muppets like creature covered head to toe in a black sweater clinging to me. I don't know where in the dialogue or mention comes up, but something about reality comes up, and I mention the sky. The strange creature, says, "I control the sky". At this point the sky turns dark, and then suddenly this circus like carousel appears. I am hearing this game show styled production of a song which mentions St. Peter. I wake up. Sort of gazing around though to make sure that I am not having one of those 'lucid dreams'. :)
Dream analysis (of my own interpretation):
A lot of these trip acid dreams (never used the stuff in my life, don't plan on it either)...seem closer in proximity to recent entertainment stuff. For instance I watched 'Time Bandits' yesterday...the game show theme seems like a variation of 'Its your money, or your life!', and, of course, religious metaphors abounding in the movie seem to provide something of sub conscious influence here. I had in mind a creature from Dr. Seuss, or the Lorax which I only have the most vague familiarity at least for the dark creature...then it crossed my mind, the phoneme of Seuss with Zeus, how strange these things are. Hence the 'I control the sky' coupled with nearby impressions of weather events, some how placing something more dark in mind. Strange to see this coupled with my mind, in the sense of significance, or at least if the impressions were more lasting. Then Ogre, in the myth of legends comes up, coincidentally watched the film North Face, set in WWII during Nazi Germany around climbers making a failed attempt at the north face of Eigerwand. Here, the mountain is seen more ominously as the devouring ogre...nothing in my dream seems to substantiate anything of these running thoughts or at least a connectivity to dreams. Nothing of this, however, suggests other then in placement some personal connectivity in sequence to events here, other then by way of environmental influences?! However, prior to something of the dreams revelations (or the last of recollections in memory of this dream), other aspects seem more puzzling me. The thrown circular saw blades, for instance...I think sometimes in terms of homonyms aspects of word variations. For saw (as in blade) could be also interpreted saw (as in the past tense of seen). Here I could offer my sense of the dream as in the procession of the exterior mind coupled with the more subtle less understood, and more deeply less controlled sub conscious mind. The exterior mind seems more like in the operable sense the mind of logic centers, the mind reacting under duress, for instance, working more so in the parameters of reality. Of course, it would seem more logical that I were acting as I would have thought in a woken reality, for instance, calling the police. Owing to whatever continuities, the exterior were reacting to the set of dream discordance naturally as in the procession that something were amiss in reality to any number of events, clearly seeking as in the sense of evasion, but faced with something more impending. Here more ominously I think of death here, or at least my own mortality. Journey through a Burning Brain from Tangerine Dream, or Salvador Dali and the melting clock, and so forth in some sort of loose connection. I wake up, and my brain feels like it is burning.
It is neither the typical dream that I should have or even in the interior sense common to the impressions that I would have expected...why so?! It is hard to see popular art, or art in general so much in effect to the subconscious impressions that would normally would have existed in mind, or in having revisited at least.
---
How do we do things exactly right though? Do we provide selective presentations of ourselves, the presentation that we wish others to see, versus unadulterated presentations?
The dream seemed in a way a surface set of impressions.
Normally I wouldn't have mentioned all of this.
I am not sure what to be embarrassed about in providing a journal, or at least I see no shame in it.
Do we hide behind of our fear of showing ignorance? Of disdain for any attempt at intelligence even if it failed on many points. We write of ourselves in preoccupation to preserve career, or inventing something of ourselves? Could I be susceptible in the same ways in writing?
In general the truth of dreams for me were that I don't recall them so often. At least this one seemed particularly funny and frightening at the same time.
My dreams are particularly embarrassing at times because at least I couldn't control one as in the waking state desire that I might have in constructing one. But isn't this the truth for most?!
Honestly though the sexual dreams are the toughest for me to discuss openly for this reason, not that readers want to read these sorts of things, or that one should feel ashamed of being judged for it. In this case, I displace the origins to the foreign, even though something to the contrary might exist.
In fairness to the reader that knows, omissions existed because of embarrassment, and then I realize now maybe it were lack of descriptive capabilities coupled with now frosted glass having collected over the window of now opaque memories in recollection. I don't know how quickly I forget things.
:)
6/1/13
Hmm another 'Come fire walk with me' session.
6/2/13
Parent's having trouble with direct deposit payments suddenly (with pension account), no problems for years. I was thinking out the previous years power outages...calm day weather wise yesterday, but electricity was spiking around...then it seems in a way any number of things are different, you know cars breakdown suddenly more often. To some extent one should wonder why in all of this?
You think karma is bad, but then there is also human nature...and then there's supposedly a democracy. By the way, I am not your weather god... :) Rofl, knocking one's electricity accomplishes what? As does anything else?! :)
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