The Triangle

The Dark side of Ground Hog Day...so...if you had regrets doing the film Garfield... I am not sure if its my missing a detail, but a point in the time loop points an ambiguity in the way of determinism/free will and forgetfulness?! Or in other words, in a determined past, it should seem obvious that events would unfold according to an expected history no matter how hard the time traveler attempted to change them, but to the person entering into a deterministic time loop, their perceptions could be quite different, or in other words, it seems convenient to this determinism that a form of amnesia had arisen (?) potentially robbing her of the sense that she were fruitlessly making effort to repeat the same course of error, or too ignorant to see (because of her psychological/emotional issues outcomes), or because of psychological issues willing wanting to forget and repeat the same set of actions for the sake of the chance to be with her son once again(?)...it seems that this later possibility could be less so, unless this were like a role played 'theater' in which she re conditions herself into the thing that she wishes most not to become which is that broken reflection of a killer. The first case (mentioned above) seems more possible a condition were imposed physical amnesia reinforces a determinism, that literally the fall off an boat into the waters has selectively washed away memories which would prevent her from clearly sensing or seeing what were going on, and that the car accident may have potentially played some role in her forgetting exactly the nature of previous 'past future' events, whether the writers choice in having this character witness this were mere a device to the observer (as in demonstrating the scale and potential scope of the character's toil), or that she sensed something greater of the mass of dead pigeons/seagulls amassed in the same spot where she had thrown its given carcass seems neither so clearly resolved. At least one's sense of this were that at least if she knew anything of the fate of the Triangle's passengers, the fear of any known consequences were certainly mute, likely because of her experience and conditioning to these events (?). Thought provoking movie on the matter of attempted revisionism, and the electric fence.

1984 The Love Story

1984 The Love Story
:D
It seems hard to refer to love other then its apparent attachment to Big Brother in the context of a novel's narrative, and then from a literary critical standpoint, it seems love would be so highly dysfunctional.  Interpretations of this sort in the past, at least given to past screenings present a view converging on psychological devastation, at least in so far as the darkness enshrouding a given mind, it seems ignorance so much the better.  More then likely what should be more doubtful were that love should ever have existed, except in this case, which should serve to another removed cultural lens.

'Love' for the modern world seems much born of all of its convenience, that is never to to far to approximate itself for a respective culture.  Truly though its harder to see or know what 'love' is in the darker and more hopeless recesses.  At least some should comment even today when all appearances should be what they should but may be far from, how much duress were born of the changing nature of culture and its apparent view of exactly what 'love' were, or at least, I ask how might 'love' so easily perish if any slight change in circumstances made its appearance only seem illusory, or then you might ask more the existential question, 'Did love really exist as you believed it?'

Then interchangeably it seems if there weren't oblivion, or those having sought to forget, the nature of one's ignorance to any other experience, having effected the nature of what love should mean, or at least you find yourself saying, while yes a form of materialism and civilization should seem attached to the formation of an idea that one should call 'love' in the terms of romance, the other worlds that exist, neither having conceptualized this exactly in the space and time of words or ideas (or scarcely having the time to think so extensively and deeply on this subject matter), should express how different the idea of what 'love' should mean.  I wouldn't argue beyond this point to the non existence of phenomenon, other then to say, its also hard to relate to a given devastation of this gravitational type, more likely the I of today, would question as in doubting the nature of such reality, in defense of previous ideas, desires, wants, and so forth...or that seems one potential avenue if hopelessness hadn't rendered one dead.  However, from the objective view, it hardly seems the 'ultimate love' story, or as one might see it typified of repetitions in human history, more likely a place hardly resolved to the comfort of pages, or suspension of disbelief or however tragedies should be re enacted these days.  No less scripting a foul with the sort of character that one should desire in a present age, or cultural revisionism in so many words. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/We_(novel)  The Russian novel of a similar dystopian chord and setting, provides little help as to character dynamics either.  At least if it were bothersome that so many should be programmed to live as pragmatically simple lives as possible for the sake of state efficiency, the character's themselves in way should be entirely dull relative to the world in which we live, and then one consider's the statement "I don't want to live in a world where there is little creativity."  Which expresses the doubt that there is much faith in the nature of what should be liberal arts at least enhancing the lives of others, a future world in some ways could be described possibly by human behaviors that should seem so bland, at least that some criteria for deviation were set as it were to a given norm and uniformity of social behaviors, that this seems to relate to the nature of thinking, if it were that one were a little less sympathetic to another's cause that weren't the states cause, its obvious why the idea of uniformity of social behaviors should be advantageous, and why, for instance, cultural iconoclasm s have taken place in history, aside from this present cultural digression, its also harder to more clearly see where and why this shouldn't be a phase in some other ways for a given country/civilization.  After all its harder to see more clearly that it were under siege in some ways (surely while something symbolic should have happened on 9/11...events then weren't integral to a civilization's existence), and those invoked to living in the constant presence of fear hallmarking its perceived self destruction, more likely when the stakes were higher in the past, or perceived this way, greater social uniformity in the presence of mindsets on issues pertaining to a given civilizations integral security might well be the logical step of cultural revolutions (however, awful these were).  In today's present age, this I argue is logically as artificial as ever, or it seems driven in this way, by the convenience and ease of a state's hand in doing so, and merely happenstance excused by the proximity of events, or given to apparently weakly argued derivatives that only become less so if a given social tap isn't renewed. As in revisiting something of the propaganda feeds in 1984, namely, concerning its wars abroad, its not hard to see that there should be something more then 'romance' lurking in the novel, and that at least any number of social activities could be easily substituted for any other outlawed social behavior.  

As to the present, it seems more so that if you were likely to find romance 'love' these days, it were defined by socio economic, class born of cultural, ethnic, and so forth relations...and then this were defined even more heavily by the weight of impending social pressure (yes even in a supposed democracy that should exist free from all the other world alms of arranged marriages), not as though it weren't just a re write from previous ages, all the same, there should be commonality, removing the very essence of industrialism that has been so en grained into the fabric of modern cultures, but at least something of horrific common factor, it is possible, it weren't already true, that governments have vested interests potentially in match making these days, who one should associate with, who one should talk to, and the, of course, very essence of determinism marking more strongly the nature of one's course in life.  Then government should seem more likely in its propaganda to re write this narrative in the form of being unseen and generally unknown/ambivalent or friendly patron alike.  In today's day and age, it seems, of course, seems more complex relative to the unsophisticated depictions of absolutism imagined, and then sadly, as I've read and heard at times, neither shamed at times by the worst of behavior, and the essence of the problem as related to the potential of massive states control, is that in reality it often won't be clearly resolved to the models of fiction as in comparison.  Likely as it has happened in the past, the complexity of marginalization and discrimination (using this broadly outside the definition of race alone) where forms of state repression and dystopia exist side by side a given larger functioning state.  In this paradoxical landscape, while power elite could entertain dangerous 'ideas', true punishment would be reserved to the periphery or the broad margins of a given society or given likely in this modern age to class distinction (which has at times also be something of a racial one...for example, the disparity of criminal punishment for drug offenses).  If you were wondering about the nature of these characters in the modern context, much is relative in so far as relation to their plight, which at times couldn't be more further removed relative to the Twilight following which one should imagine weren't dwelling in that space, that sort of determinism should seem reserved for the ghettos and the marginalized.

What's this crap about?! Huh...marionettes :)

Hmm as close as I could find for the titanic with Lightfoot sound. Not that you are into gaming, but a game that I played is amusingly running with kill the 'marionette' theme, guessing they don't like muppets or the pastor over there, but then likely I imagine there's crickets chirping over in those parts. :)

Yet another one...revisiting fire and ice.

This is truly an old bit of 80s code...really this stuff has existed since...its supposed to be karma, miss By the way, I've seen way back when groups of actors like Big Green Guy in WoW running with his bunk beds ccde, apparently this bit of propaganda works for how long?!

Potential Secret Added Regulations on Free Speech in the UK

Or that the fear of being misrepresented and subsequently not listened much too were a problem relating to your political adversaries.  Paradoxically as to the representation of one's law, neither transparent representation is to be provided, or in other words, is this the 'free space' required for representation of policies?

King of Hearts

should people seem insane or is the world insane at times?

I think I saw the sequel to this one, which wasn't really any better. Human nature at its finest. Hmmmm... Christopher Lee did a swell job in this one though. Sort of reminds me of another film called the Black Death...

Now for some contemporary new grass

By the way I don't do much running...or at least feel more like a turtle, then a hare about things around here.  Some say the tank metaphor applies in a way, not really sure, not sure if I care to cater much either.  Just know when you pull stunts and really try stupid crap I don't sympathize with you if it ends up costing you.

Sinking of the titanic. Includes ambient acoustic noises gathered from a swimming pool.

Commentary on Old Propaganda

much the same for the crap before, I remember there about to this time having going through the rounds in so many words, I'd suppose it would be rather tame to the more severe of cases.  This could be another blame the victim routine?!  Anyways on your shores over there you've been dealing at times supposedly with the more severe of weather?

Or at least rather sad that you'd should have reserved manuals for picking through foods of a wild urban commercial landscape...likely if this were the case I've been through the rounds time over again and again, but I'd offer its not potentially as had been theorized a case of self poisoning.

One of those things you have to watch out for I suppose. Fortunately I am not a ship captain to my knowledge, or much of a story teller, at least for being on the high seas, or on a ship on the high seas. Read an article written recently about Emergency room visits being on the incline these days, for the younger generations. Not sure if things are really much for the better or really going south...

Obama to balance privacy and security concerns in speech on surveillance aides say

Nytimes article.  Mentioned in another Politico article...mindful that defense of the program stated to the extent that spying were not a problem for those deemed 'ordinary' whatever this classification should mean and likely, however, without the clearest sets of elaboration how broadly defined this would potentially be, or in other words, likely crap rhetoric as usual for a program that had little defense to begin with.

What's all interesting about this are a number of points here...the NSA running often to the defensive shield of FISA courts which in so many words, relates to the Foreign intelligence gathering...which you'd say big deal, you know it means that they were supposedly watching terrorists abroad...not quite, since much domestic data happens to travel overseas through foreign servers, even if sender and recipients of data are domestic in origins.  As a matter of fact this very problem were at least a short lasting scandal some time ago, when hacks overseas managed to bottleneck a size able portion of data through a given country (like Estonia) indicating that domestic data here were being intercepted.  What all this amounts to broadly in my opinion, is that generally spying could be justified to virtually anyone here in the states the minute data exchanges are occurring, or in other words, the rhetoric you hear on the 'ordinary people' are safe from being spied on by the NSA, a big steamy load of crap.

So outside of the principle of the matter of spying, if at least you claimed not to care in the least whether it were going or not I'd offer at least some additional logic here:

Considering that the NSA, while it has been claim has thwarted any number of terrorist incidents past...minding the shoe bomber's apprehension was really at the behest of a given plane's co passengers, Saudi intelligence likewise claims (I believe in part to have provided some intel on this guy).  Then considering the Boston incident approximately a year ago, appeared at least in so far as the public eye, had the FBI appealing to a greater public for additional intelligence information...here more clearly we know that the NSA was not adequate to mobilize any response or enough warning of substance to put law enforcement in place.  Of course, you figure this is a small breach, which if it were that the NSA weren't collecting a massive amount of information and apparently knew how to coordinate and sift through this given data, one should suspect that a given alert by Russian official would be something of a tip off for watchful eyes...here, something it seems possibly amiss?!  One reasons at least to some extent that data handling by the NSA isn't exactly scrupulous, or really that great, given the nature of open ended ness one should wonder between the accessibility of data that were warehoused, and the nature of security clearances provided to those having access...the sort of impression that might lead one to wonder, how far and often rent a cop mall contractors (no offense Snowden but I haven't been that impressed with some of the personalities that I have personally witnessed in some way claiming to represent that watchful eyes bunch, whom seem more the two wrongs make a right power trippers) that really hadn't the foggiest notion of securities while running with scissors potentially after the wrong individuals, but then one could be a bit more concerned because exactly the sort of FISA dependency which had shrouded the whole kit and kaboodle in secrecy precisely seems aimed at migrating the mass of generally U.S. stored data at times in a convection cycle out of the US for precisely the possible reason of spying on that same data (or masses of individuals), here if you weren't concerned enough about the global nature of data in general, and weren't a Target shopper that had to have your card replaced, at least one is to wonder if in part the general level and safety of online consumer data weren't in part a result of the practices of the NSA in general?

Then compared to any other agency with appointed public speakers, the NSA seems the least accountable to the public of them all, man if had my choice of budget cuts, it would be appointed to the NSA and DARPA.

By the way, elated to see you seeing that you potentially had an 'Olivia' running the 'silent rapture' set up at a Macroni Grill in Overland Park trying to taunt and tease on the food, I hope it weren't bad, that would be potentially a war crime for some?


So I haven't seen that little street goon you sent a couple years ago that called me Rasputin wink wink wink!

The Ogre  it seems there is always a failed cyclic coup every now and then... I really love the movie Nordwand which is set during the WWII...climbers freezing to death in their mission of conquest.   Reminds me where the order of respect for things lay at times?!

On the subject matter of time warps. :)

It would be sad if the time of legends has emerged... :)

These are goya paintings by the way...I remember this wonderful cheery movie called Goya's ghosts (set during an inquisition or something like this way back when)...

It makes me laugh in a way. I was reminded of the pre emptory strikes with The Final Countdown, or Return the map now...muahahahahah...return what you've stolen from me.....! Hmm, rather, sad you see these days product returns more frequently, not sure if its related to moi or just the nature of food in general, who knows, both at a local wholesale club and then today at a local restaurant, or that you'd get some comments, that normally might have customers leaving?! Generally I've been silent about much of this stuff except that one might sense that it should be rather sad if eating out were like like walking a mine field?! Or generally one should hope that eating out and shopping at grocery stores for that matter should mean safety of consumer products at a given level...hence no hepatitis in the frozen berries...and so forth. But ah hem, the returned product code for today was, "Sorry ma am, we don't have eggplant for your order. The eggplant is bad." Or something to this effect, but yes another restaurant to be avoided. :) In the future I'll start publishing names of businesses by the way.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0248190/

A movie Called 'No Such Thing'

sort of sad, sort of humorous, makes you wonder... A modern update to Beauty and The Beast.  Triumph of The Human Spirit.  

You see it cycles over the decades one is to wonder? I always loved Ernest in the Disney movie The Black Hole. :) Or if you had a raven for every loaf of bread... :)

Sort of has that bird sound going doesn't it?!

Did you see the Cuckoo code in Code 46?!

But as you know that they were listed as brood parasites is a bit over rated for this species...

You know the Drawing Down the Moon code...or witch hunt right?!

Bear In Heaven - Cool Light - (& lyrics) - Love You It's cool

Echoing thoughts for some Targeted Individuals sites that I've seen

1.  Probably wise not to use the term Targeted Individual with either mental/health care workers and law enforcement alike unless there is a more clear empathetic willingness on the part of any worker otherwise to discuss these matters (and hopefully you should have clearer supportive signs from your community on these issues not less...but then likely if your community were more supportive, you'd likely not have seen this sort of attack in the first place).  While I hadn't studied by state laws pertaining to mental health and generally what it means to be involuntarily committed, usually I would assume most reasonable this is defined at a given 

thresh hold such as are you a danger to self and others.  Everyday people may have irrational and paranoid

threats but what should matter is the ideation revolving these thoughts.  If you clearer expressed some 

intent to harm yourself and others, this is a big issue often times, or at least could be used as legal justifications for something like involuntary commitment.  This is a particularly sensitive issue (at least for me for other reasons, one that it can be often the justification used in detaining and effectively incarcerating people on the basis of mental health grounds when they are nothing more then dissidents (or targeted in this parlance).    

2.  If you were thrust into a situation where you felt panicked otherwise, or experienced fear about a given situation, it is understandable, but likely it is important to stop, take a breather, and assess your situation logically.  Likely if you are panicked and fear reacting, you are more likely illogical, not reasoning well enough through your situation, and likely sounding more off the wall to people that may share little of your day to day experience, whom may not be properly trained, where laws are not adequately in place, and so forth.  Hopefully, a calm and collected self assessment of your personal situation yields:  the extent of where you do feel and find safety/protection, and reasonable steps that you might feel leads you to survive through your situation in the future....

I'll cite some irrational behaviors examples here:

Example.  I need to take out a $20,000 to build a bomb shelter to stockpile goods in it for potential fallout for an impending attack.  The irrational aspects of this logic.  Depending on the degree of fallout, living semi permanent to permanent in a shelter is not likely going to be easy at all.  In fact, its not really that sustainable.  One you aren't renewing the resources that keep you going well into the future (e.g., consider the vast fields of above ground agriculture required for the yield that you stockpiled that buys you a potential six month lease on life), then consider wearing a gas mask all the time, radiological/chemical/biological attacks may be semi permanent and unless you have your shelter stocked with an air re breather system (that is re converting co2 back to breathable oxygen), you are likely going to need to remove the masks to do something as simple as eat.  If you are paranoid because you've had supposedly visions driving you to build a shelter where that shelter is wholly inadequate to really protect you and your family, it might be wise to take a step back from that bit of self guidance.  It is next to impossible, if not extremely difficult, for people to live in self sustaining ways alone (unless you are an expert at animal husbandry, raising livestock...which may be just as well useless in a widespread radiological/chemical attack).  Much of life is interdependent in some way shape or form on light energy and photosynthesis (making underground living yet another challenge especially without some renewable fuel source...consider electromagnetic disruptions also from radiological attacks that have disrupted that photo voltaic system that you've put up).  Livestock live on grass/grain type crops, as do humans.  You might be able to develop some underground artificial growth conditions for potential agricultural production, but you need to ensure that it is protected on the radiological ends of things.   This is likely to surpass your individual families budgetary means in so far as equipment and production, or in other words, alone you and your family may be doomed to some level of failure at least without some act by God, aliens, or collectively other humans to save you.  There are always potentials for failure in any engineered system.  Collective study of designs often times lead to their inherent safety, new designs engineered alone that are highly complex run higher risk for failure.   There is a lot of logic and reason to consider with a hefty investment that may be spurred out of fear.  Sure the stockpile of food could buy you and your family a six month lease on life if something happened, but always that non renewable once used is gone when it is gone, and you will likely find it necessary to re venture back out into the world to find like minds in the reformation of some new community/civilization.  Most survivalist in back country, talk not about extended stays semi permanent isolated stays in wilderness but buying enough survival time to get back to civilization.  

3.  Remember this, you aren't completely a solitary island alone, as in the previous example that I mentioned, you are obviously interdependent on others for your survival, and likely should be well into a given future.  Even those that claim to live 'off the grid' are more like scavengers (picking through refuse, begging), they don't live completely free from civilization, or it is very very rare, one could imagine to find anyone surviving on their own.  You have to make a decision to trust someone other then you, or a group of people.   You can set personal self limits as to the power that you'd allow of others over you, meaning reasonably as in the case of organized gang stalking putting yourself less in the position to be victimized (not to blame you).  If you don't feel instinctively comfortable in a given situation, there should be nothing lost, not socializing with certain people that you don't trust.  You can measure likewise, the nature of your social interaction with others to the extent of provisioning greater social contact with others whom are respectful and have built up trust with you over time and don't engage in the social behaviors that bother you.  

Some added things:

You've managed to survive life this far.  Think about the collective experience of your past, that has helped you get by.   If you get bad vibes about places and people, go with your instincts and judgement.  Don't feel guilty about declining things...in other words, likely if you've been a victim being complicit, and saying yes to everything people ask of you, probably has already surpassed some threshold by now.  Though likely at times, you may have to the more opposite extreme found it difficult to relate or socialize with people, it helps to get out side the home (or the little place that you have called sanctuary).

Being targeted, in my experience has meant a number of things...it hasn't meant impending doom or that life is over, but it does mean that awareness of one's own personal security at times has been escalated.  This runs an ebb and flow cycle, it is never completely permanent.  It may flow with the logistics of those doing the targeting, their socio-political agendas, and anything else which colludes any group of individuals in doing what they do.  More likely the encounters I imagine of these sorts that are easiest to perpetrate are hit and run types, since a group may be more likely to disperse after wards and be more difficult to track, as opposed to those groups maintaining some degree of collective cohesion (where paranoia and fear, I'd imagine runs more likely with these groups facing external disruptive social pressures).  That means, just because you got victimized one day, doesn't mean that it will be sustained in future days, or it may help to try and reason through self assessment the nature and gravity of something like a stalking attack.  Unfortunately, you weren't like other higher profile individuals likely either whom could afford personal security, and the (what I believe) false consensus running in a given society that yes there are people out there with intent to do harm, and even groups of them, that only target high profile individuals....they can cherry pick targets like every day you and I's in the world and the reasons/motives may not always be the clearest.  But in time, hopefully you have your wits about you and find ways to manage with or without a secret service or aids to personal security.

Here are some added things things...I've posted on this subject matter in so many words, but I'd repeat this again because it is invaluable.

1.  Try not to non constructively dwell on things that you can't change or alone are unlikely to change.  For instance, try not to focus on changing the opinions or minds of people that are likely not to change.  Losing mental power over a situation may be an obsession with your situation.  It is likewise not wrong that you have any thoughts that cause obsession, worry, fear, and so forth, but its how you use these thoughts in the long wrong that may help determine their level of transience.  For instance, making the decision instead to avoid a social situation where negative elements are causing potential stress, and instead using that same time reading, self educating, teaching, exercising, or doing other positive activities will likely condition you behaviorally in time so that you are not dwelling on  social negativity.   You may do what you can, for instance, in the advocacy and reform of existing laws or adding new ones, but be prepared let a situation go after you've done what you can.

2.  Freedom is always relative.  Try not to limit personal belief  that loss in freedom in one area in life means that you can't find some mental or physical freedom elsewhere.  Be adaptive to changing conditions.  While your energies may be channeled to focusing at times on what you don't have, consider the freedoms that you do have in life.  Its an old saying that still applies...some see the glass half empty, others see it half full.

If you have the power to move a chair, then you are freely empowered to do so....I remember reading in a nursing article pertaining to the study of aging (in human populations) that described increased depression in older people whom often felt more depressed when they expected others to handle things for them that they could do on their own.  We feel more autonomous when we are self empowered in other words.  Then I know its easy saying what I say when I have what I have likewise.  This doesn't mean that one should necessarily abandon likewise the advocacy for greater freedoms but being mindful to the practicalities of one's situation in terms of personal autonomy.

3.  Make a goal of feeling some manner of success in your every day experiences.  I find that it helps me to keep a structured life, even when people are not there to provide necessary guidance.  I find that hobbies, long term and short project goals help a lot.  Short term goals provide a sense of purpose and accomplishment, while long term goals keep the idea of a more distant future present in mind.  

4.  There is an ebb and flow to physical pain.  Some days are better, some days are worse.  Some measure their own existence by the minutes, and seconds to get by, and others measure by days, weeks, months, and years.  Some find empowerment in step 3 above incrementally making goals to get by in survival situations.  If you are there, and you are willing to be there, then you are there, there is no not being there or that desire of not being there is erroneous enough since your life is there.  Let preoccupations with future pass if it is not constructive to changing anything in so far as mental dwelling.

5.  Feel a sense of propriety in your conscience and consciousness.  That is, cherish the good moments in life.  Cherish the good purpose in your life.  If there is an ounce of good to you in this world, it is that you have had such thoughts and actions.

6.  Try not to fall into the pitfall of self-deception...aptly the number 6 in my list.  It applies to our personal thinking.  We are fallible in nature as humans.  We are limited in thought, and outside the personal context of experience (and even inside this boundary), we maybe deceived self or otherwise easily.  It may be much easier to think our situation better or much worse then it really is.   Collectively if we rely upon others who are fallible in decision making to help us form judgement, we may still collectively make mistakes in our wisdom and judgement, and these sorts of things happen, one could imagine daily.  How do you live your life then?  Do you draw more from the strengths of personal judgement limiting the sphere and influence of your judgement more tangibly on things you can more readily discern and measure, or are you more likely to influence the spheres of others in more global ways, with respect to things that you can't tangibly see with your own sets of personal experience?  Do you help people locally or do you dwell on things well outside of local boundaries that you rarely experience firsthand?  There is a bit of philosophy on this point...some reads with a degree of greater cynicism or skepticism, while others could potentially find illumination by this.  I personally found myself wondering about my attentions given, for instance, to world and national politics at times past.  I found personally that I felt much better when I focused more intently on my personal existence...knowing the autonomy that I had in my personal 'local' life as opposed to preoccupations with things that I couldn't directly witness or see for myself and allowing my thinking and mindset to be more strongly influenced by outside rhythms.   That we know rightly when we are or are not responsible for something in life.  You shouldn't feel guilty for things that you haven't done and aren't responsible for...often times, I've felt that I've witnessed enough propaganda by this personally.

I could go on and on with a lot self help stuff that you probably already know in your mind...

Or in other words, if you are learning what the program is here, it reads like this, the old life wasn't likely working for you, and you are going through a re adaptation phase.  Maybe you've felt that you just found out the world weren't what you expected.  Personally I've found myself re adapting in different ways.  I've gone through phases of wading in the water as opposed to swimming, needing to take a step back, and yes, I've taken that step back for a number of years now.