Technically I am nearing mid life. At least I am quite close to it at over 4 decades of life, but I feel like I were when I were twenty, or thirty in a way. I have no kids. No previous life haunts really. At least any past relationship woes long since vanished, so much that I have forgotten what it is like to be with someone else in the context of the mundane daily set of life expectation. Although it seems as though in the fog of remembering, something about going out without consideration of anyone else. Remembering that consideration were wordless and that the tenured couple could go for days, months, weeks, and year without saying a word to one another. That is, having a psychic commune of understood s, a reading of the eyes of the partner, "I really don't want to be HERE AT ALL." Emphasis comes with raised eyebrows. Easier to abandon geography if the relationship goes initially in a way, at least sparring one the physical attachment of memories, if they have significantly built up and accumulated. Though I have heard for the world traveler none of this easier either at times. There is always a time when one exists in an empty room that is part of an empty world. At least empty to the degree, that previously one were around laughter, any social connection elsewhere while wandering searching for something. Empty space in time turns into something else, doesn't it in time when it is all too familiar in a way? That it is never quite lonely. At least if you imagined some invisible being in your room, sitting on the high stool in the corner with pad and pen in hand recording your every move. Sorry its a film reference...some Norwegian film that I vaguely recall from one of those lonely wintery wet day sojourns to the Scarecrow video rents in Seattle.
I admit I don't know quite how to interact with people at times, and then I've been surprised in like kind in a way. One day having an actual social life, however, so momentarily, and then its gone really. I grew older. The world seems to have gone the way of a house in a way. You are supposed to go out into the world and look for new experiences, as is customary if you are to find a life as an artist and writer supposedly. At least one theory, but really I suppose this depends really. I don't know when I say 'I grew older' that this says anything other than given by all the tacit facts that might go with age...I've been so inebriated that I've past out on the side of a road in the middle of nowhere in some old German town after too much vodka, or how apparently the German man that were friendly enough in putting me up for a few nights were so thoughtful so as to line the passenger sides seat with a garbage bag just in case. I wonder what it would be like retracing steps in a way? It is exhilarating to go solo in a way without so many attachments in the world. Knowing you could just pick up one day and decide, I am going here and neither having obligations with all the freedom of non commitment, given to that feeling that one were completely free.
Maybe one gets older, has kids, moves into new careers, moves into a whole other world. Merely 9 months down the road, and such seems possible. This might have happened when I were thirty but I dodged a window, or likely this were inevitable. As much that now in having a different freedom that one hadn't stated were characteristically empty in as much as likely. Certain social geography is transient as in the moment of a photograph certainly filling in gaps and voids. Momentarily you stepped into a place of time and space that you may or may not have returned, or that in returning all the faces had changed. Only adding, however, brief any social transect is...maybe you attempt to go to college as a forty something, but you find your world is different in that space. You have children now and the class itself where none have children, much of an independent family, or house at that. Maybe your college peers find at times a harder time relating or you in like kind relating? Though imagining trying to be open in mind. It must be easier to be an instructor here. Though you don't have kids, at least, but you weren't the same, they weren't the same, and they didn't think of you, likely, in the same ways now as in the past.
Someone says 'Where were you all these years?' I am not certain if I am sure how to answer this. Not certain to the degree that one would never know so many that could fill the blank of such phrase, and that in another way, filling such space may or may not have ever mattered in so far as who. Reality is given this way that desire could be opportunistic and efficient in managing things. The 'you' could be many 'you' s, many other persons. It is neither specifically 'I' or 'him' or 'her'. And how in finding a connection or attachment should seem as mysterious as the right circumstance of moments, events, timing, experience, and a myriad of conditions that makes ever so much room of the space of a formed relationship. Perfection is illusory while the other says, 'Don't ever settle.' I avoid stating opinion otherwise of deference. Deference to the extent, that she is now settled into a crossword puzzle, scanning emails, and momentarily, excitement is so narrow. Perfection is illusory...don't make mountains of molehills. Don't make too much of uncertainty. And gone, but never simple as this...
The circumstances of one's choosing will always mean something that you have missed somewhere. Likely one will rationalize and state, 'there is nothing wrong with this.' Which is right, yes, nothing, while we have decided inevitably in settling or neither settling, or maybe giving up on the notion of 'haves', the 'I' had turned into 'other' which likely may or may not have been 'I' if timing and circumstances were so completely different. There isn't any challenging any of this but acceptance. Maybe one sees a bit of humorous absurdity likewise? It is irrational desire that pushes us further. Youth fades. Risk taking diminishes in time. That is a given reality where the window of youth is passing. Likely the "I" or "You" will risk less taking a chance on something that we might be less familiar with in life.
I admit I don't know quite how to interact with people at times, and then I've been surprised in like kind in a way. One day having an actual social life, however, so momentarily, and then its gone really. I grew older. The world seems to have gone the way of a house in a way. You are supposed to go out into the world and look for new experiences, as is customary if you are to find a life as an artist and writer supposedly. At least one theory, but really I suppose this depends really. I don't know when I say 'I grew older' that this says anything other than given by all the tacit facts that might go with age...I've been so inebriated that I've past out on the side of a road in the middle of nowhere in some old German town after too much vodka, or how apparently the German man that were friendly enough in putting me up for a few nights were so thoughtful so as to line the passenger sides seat with a garbage bag just in case. I wonder what it would be like retracing steps in a way? It is exhilarating to go solo in a way without so many attachments in the world. Knowing you could just pick up one day and decide, I am going here and neither having obligations with all the freedom of non commitment, given to that feeling that one were completely free.
Maybe one gets older, has kids, moves into new careers, moves into a whole other world. Merely 9 months down the road, and such seems possible. This might have happened when I were thirty but I dodged a window, or likely this were inevitable. As much that now in having a different freedom that one hadn't stated were characteristically empty in as much as likely. Certain social geography is transient as in the moment of a photograph certainly filling in gaps and voids. Momentarily you stepped into a place of time and space that you may or may not have returned, or that in returning all the faces had changed. Only adding, however, brief any social transect is...maybe you attempt to go to college as a forty something, but you find your world is different in that space. You have children now and the class itself where none have children, much of an independent family, or house at that. Maybe your college peers find at times a harder time relating or you in like kind relating? Though imagining trying to be open in mind. It must be easier to be an instructor here. Though you don't have kids, at least, but you weren't the same, they weren't the same, and they didn't think of you, likely, in the same ways now as in the past.
Someone says 'Where were you all these years?' I am not certain if I am sure how to answer this. Not certain to the degree that one would never know so many that could fill the blank of such phrase, and that in another way, filling such space may or may not have ever mattered in so far as who. Reality is given this way that desire could be opportunistic and efficient in managing things. The 'you' could be many 'you' s, many other persons. It is neither specifically 'I' or 'him' or 'her'. And how in finding a connection or attachment should seem as mysterious as the right circumstance of moments, events, timing, experience, and a myriad of conditions that makes ever so much room of the space of a formed relationship. Perfection is illusory while the other says, 'Don't ever settle.' I avoid stating opinion otherwise of deference. Deference to the extent, that she is now settled into a crossword puzzle, scanning emails, and momentarily, excitement is so narrow. Perfection is illusory...don't make mountains of molehills. Don't make too much of uncertainty. And gone, but never simple as this...
The circumstances of one's choosing will always mean something that you have missed somewhere. Likely one will rationalize and state, 'there is nothing wrong with this.' Which is right, yes, nothing, while we have decided inevitably in settling or neither settling, or maybe giving up on the notion of 'haves', the 'I' had turned into 'other' which likely may or may not have been 'I' if timing and circumstances were so completely different. There isn't any challenging any of this but acceptance. Maybe one sees a bit of humorous absurdity likewise? It is irrational desire that pushes us further. Youth fades. Risk taking diminishes in time. That is a given reality where the window of youth is passing. Likely the "I" or "You" will risk less taking a chance on something that we might be less familiar with in life.
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